I'm waiting for Patrick to finish his 10:00 "supper" with Jon and Claire so I have someone to talk to. I'm currently going through Effexor withdrawals and I can barely stand up without wanting to cry. I think I've spent at least 3 hours today sobbing in bed. I could barely stop crying long enough to chat with Molly when she stopped by to pick up the sweatshirt she let me borrow a year ago when I walked home drunk from her apartment late at night and it was too cold for short sleeves...
It feels like electric shocks are jolting through my brain whenever I move my head too fast or sometimes when I look around or a loud noise catches me off guard. Earlier it was like I could feel the pressure of Dad's voice on me when he was talking at me from two feet away...
Sounds are big and loud and scary.
This world is big and loud and scary.
I walked around the neighborhood for a bit this afternoon after I ate some tomato soup ... it rained all morning and the ground was still wet at 4 when I drifted through the greenway, vague-headed, not really aware of where I was going.There was a siamese cat in the street and I crouched down and offered my hand to it but it didn't approach me. I must lose my cat powers when I'm under the delirium of withdrawal of pharmeceutical medication...
seriously, fuck this shit. I hate that I have to put 2 of these giant toxic capsules into my body every day and if I don't do it I feel like my brain is being zapped every so often like I'm some dog unknowingly wandering out of its invisible fence.
I don't write enough, and I don't cry enough, apparently, because the things I've cried over today are things that happened months and months ago.
Some things I just can't let go of...
Some people I just can't forget.
I wish I could stop loving... or at least I wish I could love without feeling lonely.
